Life PonderingsIt has never made sense to me how there could be so many different types of people and clashing personalities.
For instance, you have the people that would die to protect their loved ones; and the people who would kill their loved ones (figuratively) for the sake of their own selfishness.
Why would God, or whatever God-like supernatural creature, put so many different types of people together in one world? I know that the world is not a utopia, and that utopian societies do not work, but why would someone create the most selfish of people? What is the point in this creation?
Is it for shits and giggles? Is this God-like creature a masochist? Because the only conclusion I can come to is that He or She must get off on other people’s humiliation, anxiety, and sadness.
Or maybe It doesn’t even exist. Maybe I’m looking at this in the completely wrong way; perhaps someone evil and cold as ice created this planet. This possibility is cynical and probably not likely the case, but I just don’t see how someone angelic and peace-like could create a world like this.
Whoever said that bad people and negative experiences are supposed to make us stronger was full of
shit; burning, smelly, rotten shit.
That same person probably said the cliché, “people come in and out of your life for a reason” as that is the same burning, smelly, rotten positive thinking.
“It’s to teach us life lessons” someone once said to me. What kind of life lessons comes out of someone fucking you over again and again only harder and longer? What kind of life lessons are learned from someone ripping and tearing your heart out and then stomping all over it until it disintegrates into the burning earth?
All that I’ve learned is that I’m better than these people and I don’t deserve rotten shit like that in my life. But honestly, all this pain and heartache in having to attempt to heal from said rotten shit isn’t worth this tiny lesson learned. I didn’t need to go through this process to learn that I am better than these selfish people.
I don’t believe in regrets, but I do wish I could make these selfish people wake up.
They need a gigantic, blaring alarm clock to scream, “Hey, get the hell out of your perfectly selfish world. Other people matter than just you.”
The funny thing is, all of these said Bullshitters are living in their plastic bubble of a world, but one day one of us Realists will pop that bubble, stand up for ourselves, and there will be hell to pay.
I’ve had many dreams about you the last few weeks; dreams where we are face-to-face, eyes burning deep into each other.
And then I wake up almost immediately, every single time.
My heart is pounding out of my chest and fluttering a mile per minute.
The hardest part is that I never remember if we speak to each other or just simply keep walking.
Then reality finally sets in and we are face-to-face.
My heart drops to the floor as soon as I see you sitting at the little table in the corner.
At first I am unsure as to whether or not it is you, but then I realize it has to be you and that it isn’t my paranoia kicking in; this is real and not one of those dreams.
Each beat is pounding louder and louder in my eardrum and I don’t know what to do to get it to quiet down.
Do I walk up to you and nonchalantly say “hey, how are you?” Or do I walk up to you and ask “what the hell happened? Why did you toss me aside like a pair of dirty old jeans?”
No, I cannot do that in fear that I will slap you, become voiceless, or just start sobbing, and look like a crazy fool in doing any of the three.
I refuse to be the one to approach you as I am cursed with the stubbornness gene and also am sick of being the bigger person. I’ve played that part many times with you(and others) in our seventeen year friendship, and am through with that; it is your turn but….
You ignore me like I’m a piece of garbage on the side of the road; you are better than me.
Your aura has changed; you are now just like any of those other bitches we’d make fun of.
We’d say, “Oh man, look at that one! She has the biggest stick up her ass.” and then giggle for ten minutes straight and continue to complain about the assholes of the world; we shared the same realistic idea of general human population and that is why we were a perfect fit.
This time, that stick-up-her-ass girl was you, and that alone killed me.
The fact that you had transformed into this ripped my heart out more than the fact that you cut me out of your life a year ago.
The fact that I would never speak to you again erected in my mind at this instant, but that wasn’t what crushed me the most.
What crushed me the most was the fact that you had changed and that I didn’t know you anymore; you were a complete stranger in a crowded bar.
If I’ve learned anything in these twenty-three years of existence, it’s that people are constantly changing and change is not necessarily a negative thing.
A few years ago, I would tell you(not you) that all change is bad and that I hate any type of change, but now I have a different view on this matter.
Perhaps this is just another one of those things where you and I just grew apart into two completely different adults.
That would be fine with me, except for the fact that one day you just decided to stop returning my calls.
You cut me loose as if I were a tag on your latest pair of grey chucks.
At least that’s how I see it, but maybe you have a different viewpoint on this issue and maybe that’s why you didn’t approach me in that crowded place.
I will never know, and the unknown kills me.
The unknown definitely makes it hard for one to move on and accept things, but I am now making an effort to heal this wounded heart.
If this night told me anything at all, it’s that you’ve obviously moved on from this friendship so I guess it is my turn to make more of an effort and finally accept my life the way it has turned out without you in it.
As of now, all I can think of is the most trivial parts right now; one being that I will now have two crucial people missing from my wedding when that time comes: you and my dad.
But it’s time to officially mend this broken heart and move on from your selfish ways; I accept that you have changed and perhaps maybe I’m not that weak, apologetic person I was two years ago.
You live and you learn, and it’s time for me to stop living in the past.
I’m going to rid myself of those dreams I have where we patch our friendship up and reunite stronger than ever.
That is simply not an option anymore, even if you were to realize you did me wrong (which you won’t)
and I must come to terms with that.
So here’s to fresh starts and mending hearts.